have a new husband: day two

a little more advice from dr. leman...

chapter two: tuesday

men are different physically, emotionally, and psychologically

to understand them you must study them in their natural habitat

observe your male creature in his environment. in what setting does he seem most comfortable?
what were his growing up years like?
how did his mother interact with him? how did his father treat his mother?
in what way(s) does his background contribute to who he is now, and how does he respond to you and life in general?
was he encouraged to share his feelings?

when he was a little boy...

how he was treated when little makes him who he is now

why he acts like a man...

competitive: to get their share
do goofy things: to get attention and boys don't really grow up
(i would say you need to embrace the boy and learn to laugh)

they play rough...

they were one of two: either getting beat on or beating on someone
dr. leman says for a fascinating conversation ask him about his childhood pranks...

how important his mama is/was...

overprotective mama: not good, feels he either has to lie or control
no room to fail mama: won't take criticism well, brag about him to his face
driven mama: kept him busy, they were never home, may not have bonded with family
disciplining mama: the way to go, he respected his mother and will respect you

he longs for the same things he did as a boy...

acceptance
belonging
companionship

if you show him you're too busy to include him in your life, he'll find other things to do...
he wants to feel needed and that he can be trusted to do things, so don't ask for help then micromanage what he's doing... trust him to get it done.

if you wait for him to notice you need something, you'll be waiting a long time...
men focus on one thing at a time and what often seems so obvious to a woman is overlooked by a man because that's not where his focus is (like the empty toilet paper roll that has been laying on the bathroom floor for two weeks and he still hasn't picked it up.)

sometimes they need to experience consequences...
if they leave their dirty clothes laying everywhere and you don't pick them up so they get in the wash, who's fault is it he doesn't have any clean clothes? let him see the consequences of his actions (dr. leman says they can be trained like puppies...lol, and yes dr. leman is a man)

cut him some slack...
instead of wanting your husband to read your mind be specific about what you want him to do, clue him in on what's important to you. do this with kindness and respect and you'll be amazed.

"If you want to have a new husband by Friday:
Talk to him with gentleness, kindness, and respect.
Show him in both words and actions that you accept him,
that he belongs to your family, and that you believe he's
competent.
Honor him in your home. Ask him what he thinks.
Be efficient and independent, but not too much; he needs to
be needed.
Tell him what's going on in the family; he likes to know what's
going on, even if he can't be there all the time. Every man
hates finding out information about his family thirdhand.
Show an interest in what he likes to do.
Listen to him (when he does talk)."

have a new husand: day one

chapter one: monday



here is what dr. leman had to say about the first day of your journey to a new man:

men are fundamentally different.
way less verbal
problem solvers

he wants to be a good husband, wants to please you, but doesn't know how... he needs your help.

what he wants from you:

RESPECT
(i once heard it explained like this: a woman needs to feel loved more than anything. a man needs to feel respected. you telling your husband in words or actions, "honey, i love you but i just don't respect you." registers to him like if he said to you, "honey, i respect you but i just don't love you." i don't know about you but that would pretty much crush the life out of me. so instead of saying "i love you" 4,985 times a day to my honey, i say it 4,980 times and 5 times i try to communicate respect.)

TO BE NEEDED
when you show him you need him you trigger his God-given drive to provide, help, and solve problems. here is what you do: step one-let him know your glad to see him, step two-ask for help with a specific thing, step three-promise a reward later (you know what kind of reward ladies...) (apparently men can feel useless when confronted with women's multi-tasking, make-it-work-with-what-we-got, keep the world on track for everyone, abilities... he needs to know you can't do it without him.)

FULFILLED
he needs a willing sexual partner
you need to pursue him (and dr. leman says we will talk more about this later)
affirm his masculinity

so does it work?... two days after i read chapter one my honey came home from work, i greeted him with a smile and a good mood, he relaxed for a little while and i started dinner. i mentioned that it would be a big help if he entertained stinky while i finished dinner... usually that would have lasted five minutes but that night he took boy back to his room and they played for half an hour... later that night he even fixed the dish washer, which he had been saying he would do for almost a year now, without being asked! and ladies, i let him know i appreciated it...

Have a New Husband by Friday

let me start by saying i have a WONDERFUL husband and we have a good marriage, but even the best things can be improved... i am always working on how i can be a better wife, because he deserves the best...


now that my disclaimer is out of the way... i heard this radio program with Dr. Kevin Leman, who was talking about his book Have a New Husband by Friday: How to Change His Attitude, Behavior, and Communication in 5 Days and i was intrigued by what he had to say... so i went and got the book and decided to conduct a very scientific and secret experiment to see if Dr. Leman was right.


he claims that in five days you can change your man for the better by implementing some simple (though not easy) ideas... changes in you as the wife that will improve your relationship with your husband...

stay tuned, for we shall see...